One profound privilege of pastoral ministry is officiating weddings. It’s always an honor to be asked by a couple to perform their ceremony and help shape one of the most significant moments of their lives. Yet there are five words I dread hearing: “We wrote our own vows.”
A primary problem with these self-written vows is that they are rarely vows. A vow, properly understood, is a solemn promise of future action—a binding commitment to specific behaviors and obligations. Traditional marriage vows are clear and actionable: “I promise to love and cherish you” or “I will be faithful to you in sickness and in health.” These statements outline concrete responsibilities.
When we take a vow, we’re not merely describing something or expressing feelings—we’re performing an action that changes reality. Just as the officiant’s declaration “I now pronounce you husband and wife” actually accomplishes what it describes, marriage vows create new obligations and relationships at the moment they’re spoken. They belong to a special category of language that philosophers call “performative utterances”—words that don’t just say something but do something.
This explains why the context and form of marriage vows matter so much. When couples exchange their vows in front of witnesses, with proper authority and in the right ceremonial setting, their words bring about a new reality. They transform an individual man and woman into a married couple, creating binding obligations that didn’t exist before. This transformation happens not because of the emotions behind the words but because of the institutional and spiritual authority that gives the vows their performative power.
But instead, couples often write romantic declarations about their feelings or stories about their relationship. For example, a bride might say, “You’re my best friend, my soulmate, and the person who makes me laugh even on my worst days. I knew from our first coffee date that you were different.” While these sentiments are charming and can even have their place in the ceremony, they aren’t vows—they’re testimonials about present emotions rather than promises about future actions.
This distinction matters because marriage is sustained by more than warm feelings. When a couple faces challenges—as every couple will—they need the foundation of clear, mutual commitments rather than memories of how they once felt. A proper vow answers the question “What will you do?” not “How do you feel?” That’s why traditional vows have endured: They focus on actions that spouses can choose to perform regardless of circumstances or emotional states.
Power of Sacred Promises
The performative power of marriage vows makes them particularly effective as what behavioral economists call “commitment devices”—tools that help our future selves stay true to our present intentions. When we want to exercise more, we might pay for an annual gym membership up front, knowing the sunk cost will motivate us to attend. Or when trying to save money, we might set up automatic transfers to a restricted-access retirement account. These devices create barriers to backing out and provide external structures that support our goals when willpower alone might fail.
A proper vow answers the question ‘What will you do?’ not ‘How do you feel?’
When couples declare “I do,” they aren’t just describing their intentions—they’re creating binding obligations that transform their relationship. This moment then serves as a powerful anchor for future behavior, much like other commitment devices that help people follow through on important decisions.
The Bible provides numerous examples of similar commitment devices that God’s people used to strengthen their resolve and maintain faithfulness. For example, when God established his covenant with Abraham, he instructed him to institute circumcision as a permanent physical sign (Gen. 17:11). The Israelites were required to wear tassels on their garments as reminders of God’s commands (Num. 15:38–39). Even the Passover celebration was established as an annual commitment device, helping each generation remember and renew their covenant relationship with God (Ex. 12:1–30).
Foundation of Covenant Faithfulness
God’s covenant faithfulness provides both the pattern and the power for marriage vows. When God made his covenant with Israel, he didn’t just make conditional promises—he bound himself to his people with unbreakable commitment. Even when Israel strayed, God remained faithful, demonstrating that true covenant love persists through failure and change.
Our marriage vows mirror this divine pattern: They’re not conditional contracts based on performance but covenantal commitments that reflect God’s faithful character. Just as God’s covenant with Israel depended on his character rather than their worthiness, our marriage vows draw their strength from participating in this covenant-keeping tradition.
Unconditional marriage vows prove essential as couples navigate life’s inevitable changes together. One of the most challenging aspects of marriage is that people change; the person you married at 25 may have different dreams, perspectives, and priorities at 45. Marriage vows acknowledge this reality by binding us not to specific characteristics of our spouse but to the person. They commit us to love not just who our spouse is today but who he or she will become tomorrow. As Tim Keller wrote in The Meaning of Marriage, quoting Lewis Smedes, “My wife has lived with at least five different men since we were wed—and each of the five has been me.”
While everything else may shift, two elements remain constant: our commitment and God’s faithfulness. Malachi 3:6 declares, “For I the LORD do not change.” This truth serves as the ultimate foundation for all lasting commitments.
When couples honor their vows through difficulties, they display the gospel to a watching world. Just as Christ remained faithful to his Bride (the church) even to death, so married couples can reflect this sacrificial love through their sustained commitment. This witness becomes particularly powerful in a culture that often views keeping commitments as optional.
Practical Steps for Vow-Keeping
It’s perhaps no coincidence that March has been recorded as the one of the months with the highest rate of divorce filings in America. As the initial optimism of New Year’s resolutions fades and the reality of unchanged patterns sets in, many couples reach a breaking point. This seasonal pattern of broken commitments accentuates the importance of understanding the sacred nature of marriage vows. When marriages are built on emotional expressions rather than covenantal commitments, they become particularly vulnerable during these periods of disillusionment and challenge.
The practical work of keeping marriage vows requires intentional effort and spiritual discipline. One essential practice is regularly revisiting your vows, particularly during significant moments like anniversaries or when facing challenges. Just as the Israelites periodically renewed their covenant commitments, couples benefit from deliberately remembering and reaffirming their promises to each other.
God’s covenant faithfulness provides both the pattern and the power for marriage vows.
Next, remember that marriage was never meant to be lived in isolation. Sharing your commitment with a supportive community is crucial, especially in our increasingly individualistic culture. This community—which should include your church family—can provide accountability, encouragement, and wisdom during difficult seasons. They can remind you of your promises when you struggle to keep them and celebrate with you when you honor them well.
Another mature approach to marriage is recognizing the inevitability of change. Rather than viewing your spouse’s evolution as a threat to stability, treat it as an opportunity for mutual growth and deeper understanding. This perspective shift allows you to embrace the journey of growing together rather than expecting your spouse to remain static.
When difficulties arise, we tend to focus on our feelings—hurt, disappointment, or frustration. But the power of marriage vows lies in their ability to transcend emotional states. By focusing first on your promises rather than your feelings, you establish a foundation for constructively working through challenges. Your vows provide a framework for action that doesn’t depend on emotional alignment.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, remember that your capacity to keep your vows flows not from your strength but from God’s faithfulness. As recipients of his covenant love, we have both the model and the means for faithful commitment. When keeping your vows feels impossible, draw strength from the One who perfectly keeps his promises to his people. His unchanging character provides the ultimate foundation for the enduring commitments we make in marriage.
Living Out Grace
Marriage vows don’t function as rigid laws that condemn us when we fall short. Instead, they can be channels of grace that direct us back to God’s purposes. They remind us that just as God’s love for us isn’t based on our performance, our commitment to our spouse shouldn’t depend on his or her perfection. When we fail—and we will—our vows point us back to the cross, where we find both forgiveness and power to persist.
A suportive community can provide accountability, encouragement, and wisdom during difficult seasons.
Christ’s faithfulness to his Bride demonstrates the ultimate meaning of covenant love. Even when we were still sinners, Christ died for us. He didn’t wait for the church to become worthy of his love—he loved us while we were his enemies.
When couples persevere through difficulties, forgive each other’s failures, and choose love even in hard times, they’re not just maintaining their marriage—they’re displaying the gospel. Their faithful love becomes a living picture of Christ’s unwavering commitment to his people, showing the world what God’s covenant love looks like in human form.
The beauty of marriage vows thus lies not in their initial proclamation but in their daily fulfillment through decades of faithful love. They transform what begins as a moment of celebration into a lifetime of meaningful growth, pointing always to the God who designed marriage as a picture of his unchanging love. In a world of constant change, such committed love is countercultural and revolutionary, and marriage vows serve as a living testimony to the power of grace-enabled faithfulness.