I am a member of a unique tribe. I am a pastor’s wife. I love being a pastor’s wife, truly. In fact, I have been one for over 17 years, serving in Texas, Arizona, and Oklahoma. I’ve been part of a zealous 6,500-member megachurch; a sizeable 120-year-old historic multigenerational church; a new burgeoning church plant; and now a sweet, storied church in the delicate throes of much-needed revitalization. If anyone knows, I know. I also know full well what it means to be a mother raising three young children in the limelight of ministry’s “glass house.”
Some time ago, after what seemed to me a regular Sunday morning service, I was nearly tackled by an exuberant church member gushing over her experience: “Wasn’t that a wonderful service today? Didn’t you feel God working? Isn’t God amazing? Isn’t your husband amazing too? Of all people, I came to tell you. I knew you’d understand, of course, being the pastor’s wife…” I nodded and listened intently. I smiled with skilled compassion. I even agreed it was a great service, which it was, and we parted ways with a kindly hug.
Yet as she walked away, I felt incongruence rise within me. I’m not sure I could relate. After all, I couldn’t remember the last time I had publicly worshiped the Lord with such abandon and reciprocity. Given the pressures I so often carry, how could I?
I began to ponder, fantasize, daydream—What if I had my own pastor’s wife? One who could step in and fill my shoes, just for a little while? I’m not referring to one who can do the traditional tasks—make the coffee; greet the newcomers; play the piano; sing in the choir; teach the Sunday school class; pick up the crumpled, derelict bulletins haphazardly left on the pews. I can do all that. Rather, I want a pastor’s wife who understands the expectations and the mental and emotional load too.
I’d like a pastor’s wife who can sit on the front row each week and attentively listen to my husband’s sermons, heed each illustration, and laugh at each joke (especially ones about me). I’d like a pastor’s wife who can attend to my children seated with me, quiet them when needed, encourage them to stand or sit, and have them not fidget or fiddle with the tithe envelopes or drop crayons all over the floor.
I’d like a pastor’s wife to serve as my chief operating officer; to remember the dates of upcoming church events, including start and end times; to know where each Bible study group is located, on and off the church campus; and to recall names, including who is associated with whom and for how long they’ve been attending or haven’t.
I’d like a pastor’s wife to double as my personal stylist by fitting me in classy yet affordable wide-leg slacks, perhaps with a floral blouse and structured jacket or maybe even a silk jumpsuit with a fedora (if I’m feeling confident). One who could dabble in trends yet embody the tasteful conservative would be wonderful.
I’d love a pastor’s wife to be my public relations executive, one who has mastered the art of the social chameleon—to “become all things to all people,” as the apostle Paul would say (1 Cor. 9:22). Someone who can be assertive and confident at times yet reserved and unassuming too. Someone who can engage in sophisticated, “real world” conversations on pressing philosophical topics yet happily talk about the weather. Someone who has well-researched political opinions yet can sidestep politics with poise. And someone who makes everyone feel comfortable altogether yet offers distinctive, personalized attention.
I’d also love a complaints resolution manager who will listen intently to the inevitable criticism and grievances that come my way about my husband, my children, the church in general, and culture at large. This manager would need to receive each grumble with gratitude and quell each gripe with impeccable, unwavering grace. I’d love a chaplain who can articulate heartfelt, meaningful prayers with ease—one who has patience to listen to the hurting or sick without distraction and can function as an undiluted conduit of hope.
Even more, I’d love a theologian who has a full working knowledge of Scripture, with or without a seminary degree, and can effortlessly communicate that knowledge yet not to the point of overshadowing any man, especially not a male lay leader or fellow pastor. I am part of a Southern Baptist church, after all.
Beyond Sundays, I want a pastor’s wife who can be my hospitality coordinator—one who is fully abreast of every prayer chain and meal train, cooks tasty yet healthy slow cooker dinners, makes exceptional chocolate cake, and remembers birthdays on time every time. (She gets bonus points if she can also come to my house and clean on occasion for staff Christmas gatherings, impromptu counseling sessions, and youth retreats.) I want a pastor’s wife who is my public delegate—one who will participate in summer camps and teach VBS; will attend weddings, funerals, baby showers, and retirement parties; and one with plenty of time to organize these as well, when necessary.
In addition, she must search and find just the right gift and wrap it perfectly in pretty cellophane paper. A pastor’s wife to operate as my certified financial planner would also be of considerable benefit—one who can creatively manage an exceptionally limited budget (that’s even more limited with today’s inflation) yet can model biblical tithing, saving, and ample generosity toward others, hence the above-mentioned significance of gift giving. I certainly wouldn’t mind a pastor’s wife who could coordinate inexpensive babysitting for these extra events too and furthermore be the second parent when I’m alone with my children during deacon’s meetings, church business gatherings, conventions, conferences, mission trips, and expressly on Christmas Eve and Easter as well as many other holidays throughout the year.
I’d especially love a pastor’s wife who functions as my social media coordinator—who maintains my online presence by informing me on what to post, when to post, and how often to post. I would need this person to strike the right online balance, showing a happy, godly marriage yet a family who “keeps it real” at the same time. Of course, a technical guru who will respond readily to congregants’ comments while also commenting regularly on their own social media reels, stories, and posts couldn’t hurt. In addition, a pastor’s wife who assists as a ghostwriter/collaborator of sorts would be advantageous—one who will brainstorm with my husband on each upcoming sermon series, research possible anecdotes, discuss and edit teachings when needed, and provide critical feedback too yet who receives no public credit for her efforts and will even deny any role in content creation if asked.
On special occasions, I want a pastor’s wife who can minister as a grief counselor for my children when at bedtime tears fall heavy on their pillows after flippant words from well-meaning churchgoers penetrate deeper than sticks and stones or when my son isn’t picked for this game or my daughter isn’t invited to that party and everyone else is. I want a pastor’s wife who assumes the role of a therapist too, for those rare but particularly challenging times when selfish people do selfish things in the name of the Lord–I mean when they lie and cheat to maintain control and gain power, so much so my husband must resign from his position for the sake of peace and church unity. Especially then, I want a pastor’s wife who will be my adversity endurance specialist, advising me on what to say to defend God’s faithfulness to my children, to explain why Christians behave badly and in unchristian ways, to clarify how mercy still wins even when injustice seemingly prevails, and to illustrate in what manner pain lasts for a night while joy comes flourishing in the morning.
To be brutally honest, a pastor’s wife with no needs would serve me best. I need one who has no soul space to tend, no feelings to manage, no physical limitations to overcome, no friendships to crave, no vocational ambitions to desire, no aspirations of any kind outside the needs of her own family and congregation and one who will give to a fault and do so with a smile. And more than anything, I truly need a pastor’s wife who can serve on a volunteer basis.
In light of all this, who wouldn’t want a pastor’s wife?
*This piece is written as satire and a parody of Judy Brady’s own iconic satirical essay “I Want a Wife,” which was originally given as a speech at the Women’s Strike for Equality rally in August 1970 and then subsequently published in New York Magazine in 1971. While Brady challenged the perceived male-female gender discrepancies of 1970s America, this essay instead confronts the unrealistic expectations and pressures many pastors’ wives face, shedding particular light on the mental and emotional load they so often carry in hopes of affording greater awareness, respect, and credence to this mainstay role in the modern-day local church.
Ginger McPherson is a pastor’s wife, Bible teacher, and devotional writer for Journey Magazine and The Joyful Life Magazine. She holds a Ph.D. in English from Baylor University and currently resides in Oklahoma where her husband serves as one of the pastors at First Baptist Church of Tulsa.
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